Day one: Ok.

Yesterday was ok. It was hard not having any snacking food around the house. It felt like all I thought about was having a snack. I'm sure the first few days are the hardest. I slipped three times. I had an order of cinnamon melts from McDonald's, a small hot chocolate from Starbucks with a cake pop and I had a fun size bag of M&M. I feel awful that I gave in so easily. I know I'm human and that it will be hard at first. I'm trying to remember that I will slip up but hopefully over time I'll slip less and less. I am not allowed to hit the gym yet, per doctors orders, but I should be able to go in a few days. I'm trying not to focus on the long term goals and just focus on the first 5 pounds. It is hard to think about a small goal when I have such large goal to achieve. I'm trying to remember 5 pounds at a time.

New Year, New Me?

I'm Rae. I am 32. Married with two children. A girl and a boy. We have a dog and own a house in the suburbs. Picture perfect American family. The only problem is I weigh 239 pounds. I consider this a problem not because society makes being obese appear just as bad as being a criminal but because it is an awful example to my children.

A little background on me: In 2001 when I had Gastric Bypass surgery I weighed 286. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. After my surgery my weight dropped to 160. In 2008 I had my son and weighed 200 pounds. I lost 40 pounds and kept it off until mid 2010. Now I find myself at 239. In January 2011 I weighed 201 so I gained 38 pounds in one year. Since July I have gained 20 pounds. It is insane to me. I feel like I don't even know where to start. It is overwhelming. I have a membership at the YMCA but don't go often. By not often I mean I haven't been since November and barely 2 times a week.

I decided today that enough was enough. I went through my house and tossed every single thing that isn't good for me. I realized that while I thought there wasn't a lot of junk in the house, in reality there was a ton! The picture of everything I tossed is above. No wonder I gained so much weight. I am not going to the gym and I am snacking my way back into a size 26 pair of jeans. I threw it all into a garbage bag and took it all out to the trash. I can't trust myself. I can't trust I'll have just one. I can't trust that I won't snack all day.

This blog is more for myself. I want to have some place to figure myself out. I want to loose the weight but I don't really know how. Not the hard way. The gastric bypass was the easy way. I didn't have to do any work beyond have the surgery. I felt like it was a magic pill. I feel defeated knowing it wasn't. Can I do this? I sure hope so. I hope writing can help me be accountable to myself.

<3 Rae